Don't forgive me.

I don't deserve it. Your forgiveness, that is. That's what it all comes down to, I think--in the end, I don't think I deserve to be forgiven. Self-sabotage isn't okay, but it gets me by. Maybe I secretly hate the fact that you have such a capacity to forgive, if not forget. If I don't think about it, it doesn't bother me. If I try hard enough, I can convince myself that I'm doing everything I can to make it okay, and that maybe someday it will be okay. It's been so long, though. Maybe someday I'll feel worthy. But ultimately, in the end, I don't feel like I deserve it. You. I don't deserve you.

And yet I can't help but be drawn in, even though I'm deathly terrified I'll end up hurting you in the end. I don't want to hurt you. I don't think anyone ever wants to induce hurt in someone else, but I'm so careless, darling. I'd never hurt you intentionally, but I'm so horribly careless with people's emotions, mine and yours. It's funny, really, that someone might think I'm calculating. I'm far too careless to be thought that. Perhaps it'd be better if I were calculating, because then whatever effects would be intentional instead of just careless little accidents.

I want to be worthy of forgiveness.